I am sorry I couldn’t say goodbye

They say grief comes in stages and Acceptance is the last of them, people often say it as if the five stages happen in a particular order. No, grief is random. Some days are better than others. I have always wanted to write a memoir for you Ta’ but I have been scared of the meltdown and I do not think there are words that can really describe the agony and pain of losing you

My world went dark on the 6th of November, I was waiting for you to respond to my Whatsapp text you said, “ I’m praying I can’t talk now”. I was praying with you, for you to get well so that you start your first job. A few minutes later I texted you asking if you were done, something in me told me you were gone. I remember the previous night I had asked a friend to chat with me because I was feeling alone, It was a strange feeling. I didn’t want to believe what my gut was telling me because I was praying and fasting, talking to God about you. And how can God take you at that particular time, to this day I still have questions. 

Around 5 am, Dad called, my hands were already trembling because I knew. It was a very short call. That was the first time I saw the old man crying and I could hear Mum screaming. I don’t know how the call ended, the next thing I remember; I was sitting on the floor in a clustered room gasping for air. At some point it’s like time froze, I felt dizzy I was shaking and numb. Later my friends came to pick me up, I must have traumatized them, and I am keeping them in my life because they really hold me down.

Everything changed when you died, I couldn’t recognize our parents anymore, and the other two rats you left for me. Kayla talks about you sometimes, she told me to listen to a song by Feli Nandi “Unotyei”. I am not sure if she really knows what happened. Nigel is starting school. We are trying to pick ourselves up. We are learning to live with the pain. 

I haven’t heard your voice for almost 3 years now but my heart has conversations with you every day. I talk to my loved ones about you because you deserve to be remembered. You reminded me of God’s greatness and in your death I still see God. Yes, there was a time I was angry, bitter, and felt really lost. Anxiety and panic attacks became my norm. My blood pressure was always high my Doctor feared that I was going to get a heart attack. I remember there were days I would just roll myself and cry out in agony for hours till I start gasping for air. I couldn’t control it guess this is the price we pay for love. And you my friend I love you dearly.

If there is anything that brings me peace is knowing that you are resting and free from pain. And you knew how much I loved you there was nothing I wouldn’t do for you Tarie. Time was never on our side but we will love again in a place where clocks don’t tick. I am sorry I couldn’t say goodbye🥹.

I will learn to live in the sunshine of your life instead of the dark shadows of your death. I will be your legacy, your voice. I love you and I miss you so bad.
Continue to rest in peace mwana wamai vangu,♥️🕊️