Today I remembered this girl who once said she loved my life and hopes that one day she might live it. The statement knocked me sideways, and today I was thinking ummm would she still want to experience what it feels like to be me? Because there are some days when the coffee gets cold, when my mind is racing and I feel awful about everything. Some days are heavy like stones in a sack dragging you down.
Today was ‘almost’ that day till I read my journal. When I turned thirty certain things stopped bothering me and I refused to let staff get to me. I woke up on the wrong side of my bed today, I tried sleeping but the nap refused to take me. I was so frustrated then quickly got up and hit the gym. Nothing lifts me out of a bad mood better than a hard workout.
Some days you just have to decide not to give in to the intrusive thoughts. I think I identify as a truth-seeker. I know you guys call it ‘overthinking’. Maybe I suffer from analysis paralysis. But I believe in questioning things, and confronting feelings and yes I make myself sad. But it’s now a different kind of sad; more of an awakening. It’s so raw and yet so beautiful seeing yourself become a new person or rather evolve.
I rarely post full pictures of me for obvious reasons. But this me and everything I have is part of me, the kinky hair, stretch marks, thick thighs, and yes that too.
I realized that I had never been an adult before, I had not chosen a life partner in my previous life. I am also new to this. At the same time I am healing, growing, and discovering myself. I am going to love myself a little extra and give myself more grace.
Not that I do not count myself among the “graceful” ones but I tend to downplay the compliments because I have been sexualized a lot. This still surprises me because I have seen beautiful women out there.
I made it a point to pray more than I complain, to pay attention to my emotions, and concurrently heal my inner child. I listen to my thoughts. I cater to my cravings. I show up for me and smile at my reflection in the mirror whispering “You the baddest B”
I don’t think I am haughty but I know my worth. I know that I am the table. I am love and I deserve the highest quality of love and affection. I do not accept breadcrumbs and there are no options. It’s either me or me just like Tinkerbell.
I found the muse in myself. My own muse,a part of me, a reflection of whats meant to be. with her I weave the tales I tell, In her embrace, I find my spell.
And I love her fiercely.
A public diary. 